Utter Hell.

I was SO happy. It felt too good to be true. I should have realized....that usually means it IS too good to be true. 

Nabisco graham crackers. I have been really stressed out lately and also really short on time and sleep. I just came upstairs from watching Biggest Loser, taking time out of my sleep schedule to do so...and I've had about 11 graham crackers today in total, which I thought was only 2 crackers above one 130 calorie serving. Turns out I read the Nutritional Facts wrong. That "just over a serving" I had turns out to be 5.5 servings, which is 715 calories. I have eaten 10-11 full cracker sheets at least 4 times in the past week and a half. No wonder I am up a crazy amount....and I also just realized there is partially hydrogenated oil (trans fat) in the ingredients, plus corn syrup. 

No wonder I have been weighing 180 or 181 in the mornings. I have honestly been feeling so frustrated lately. 

I worked 3 hours on a diet analysis project of which 1.5 hours was spent on this program...and when I went to save the .pdf files onto my flash drive the computer in my school's library just shut off and restarted, wiping all my data. This is on top of realizing I am averaging a C in that course despite working my ass off and despite that class being 3.5 hours long...it's a once a week course...but STILL. 3.5 hours to sit still in a chair and take notes is an incredible task for me. 

I feel like crying. I think I'll go and do that. These next two weeks are going to be hell. 

Update

My recent subscription to Today's Dietitian, my new wallet, and my new stainless steel water bottle. Dandelions! <3

Damage control is in the works. I have gained like 7 pounds in the last few weeks due to stress, overworking myself, and getting sick. When I don't run, even for a week, I gain 5 pounds instantly. Not fair. But I realized once I got my nike plus sensor that my base mileage is 14 miles and, depending on my long runs, I am running 20-32 miles a week. I didn't even realize I was running that much! No wonder I can eat about 2,200 calories without gaining weight. I haven't been tracking calories over the past week, but there has been definite binging....

I cannot seem to get my act together food-wise. I'm thinking of re-joining weight watchers, but I don't know how helpful it will be. I just wish there was an environment where I could talk to a bunch of people on my fitness level who are losing weight face to face. I am getting so frustrated! I know I will lose a lot of weight this summer, though (I usually lose the bulk of the year's weight in the summer), and at least that is sustaining me. I am not very pleased with my eating though. I cannot seem to eat under 1,800 calories for the life of me.

The other day I ran ten miles and then did a full body workout, including a lot of work on my legs. I am an idiot! I can barely walk down the stairs in my house. My quads are KILLING me! Work tomorrow will be interesting. LOL. We are going to Atlantic City with our house residents. It should be fun but tiring and I hope the legs will hold out.

The good news is that I am prepared for the half marathon! We are doing our last training run this weekend. Actually, it's a trial run. We're going to simulate the half marathon and then take off two weeks from running, replacing our week runs with the elliptical. I'm getting really excited! I love getting free T-shirts from events, and even more, I love getting MEDALS. lololol.

Reality check

Tonight I watched Biggest Loser with my mom, which made me really happy because I usually just watch it by myself because no one wants to watch it with me or I have it recorded with the DTV and watch it after my gym sessions (beautiful invention, the DTV). Anyway, so Nicole comes back, right? And she's trying on a wedding dress in a size 12 and I was telling my mom "wait...so I'm around her size?" and she looked pretty small to me...and I felt like I looked much much bigger. I told my mom as much and she looks at me and tells me, "you're pretty small now, Sarah". That made me feel pretty good!

It was weird...when I fit in those size 10's my friend's comment was "you're going to be a size zero when you're done". I have smaller hips than she does, so even though I weigh 25 more pounds than she does (and I'm 2 inches shoter), I'm still around her pant size. I told her I didn't feel like I looked like a size ten. I look in the mirror and still see a size 20 body. It would be nice to have my brain catch up already. XD

size ten!!!!

Today...

my ass fit in a size ten!

I tried them on for shits and giggles, wondering how far I had to go. They fit PERFECTLY. It freaked me out! I did a little dance in the fitting room.

I didn't get them because they were 30 bucks and I always have to hem pants (I am so so short), and I just got a few pairs of size 12's, one I bought and one I got hand me down from my friend who's also losing weight. I'll get some new pants when I'm a size 8. I'm so excited! When I was a size 24 I thought I would stop when I was a size 10, but now that my goal is to be a hardcore fit gym rat I'm not stopping until I'm 15% body fat. Currently I'm still around 36-38% body fat.

I CANNOT believe I am a size 10!

Down 80+ pounds!

I haven't weighed in a while.

I just hopped on the scale.

174!!! 5 pounds to the 160's? CRAZY.

I am down 82.4 pounds :) I am losing weight so painfully slowly, but...that's just how it's always been for me. I am convinced it's better this way because I will keep it off.

My size 12's....are BAGGY on me. That simply blows my mind, to tell you the truth. And I bought a watch last week....which I had to take to a jeweler so that I could have links taken out because my wrist was too small for the watch.

I'm getting a broccoli rabbe panini to celebrate. LOL.

I love my job. Everything else in my life, including friends, is stressing me out recently, though. This is strange for me.

I am getting sick of the strict bodybuilding diet. I think it was too many calories for me. My personal trainer dumped me. I have a lot of things to stress out about now that Bio class has started. I want things to be less complicated than they are but wishing and wanting only makes me depressed. I want to go with the flow more, though...it just isn't happening and I don't know why.

Stressstressstressssssssssssssssssssssss.

I am 179.

I am starting to feel run down from how hard I am trying to trick my body. I am also starting to resent running....If I run, I maintain...If I don't, I gain. There is no loss. My body has gotten used to running, so I may as well just not even count it as exercise.

Protein woes

I went to my local supermarket today and was brainstorming more ways of getting in more protein. It's tough when you don't like meat too much. I'm not a vegetarian, but I sort of eat like one. I've just started eating deli turkey for the protein and it's actually not bad. I've started to look forward to my sandwiches, actually.

I'm having a really tough time transitioning to this type of diet. Sometimes I swear I have borderline OCD, which I will not really go into because I'm obsessive in a lot of areas of my life, but change is incredibly hard for me, and this is a really big leap from how I was eating. I lost 70 pounds by eating the things I love in moderation...so if I wanted ice cream, I would have it...just have less. Well, this diet plan is very very strict. I am not allowed to cheat AT ALL until I get down to my goal weight. I am sure life will intervene and I will cheat somewhere, but then I will have to get right back on track. I have a lot of willpower...but that is a tough thing to accept. Eating the way I did, however, contributed to my excess skin problem (too many carbs contributed to my daily intake, not nearly enough protein). So any time I cheat I really have to think about the damage I already made and what I have to do to correct it......it really feels like punishment a lot of the time, though.

I've been feeling incredibly bitter for the past few weeks. What I have to keep reminding myself, though, is that I am not like everyone else. Many people can eat whatever they want in moderation and keep losing weight....but not me.

So I bought a bunch of high protein things at the supermarket and hopefully I will lose something next week. I've decided to train with the personal trainer for another two months and see where that takes me...after that...I'll see.

Frustrated

I have not lost weight in two weeks. At all. I am fluctuating between 179.5 and 181.5 and I am frustrated, depressed, and stressed. I am paying so much money for this trainer..we are currently playing around with my calories, and he wants me to drink a gallon of water a day now...religiously...I am getting tired of waking up at 5:30am, doing so much exercise...and then not dropping a pound or even losing some body fat. I am in a smaller jean size but the body fat is still the same and so are my inches. I do not get that at all. What the hell is going on? I have wanted to scream all week. I just keep thinking that it's not fair that I have to work this hard and I am not seeing any results. I realize I have not been doing this for that long...but I expected, at least, to see my body fat drop a bit...if not the weight. I don't get why the first week I dropped 6 pounds...then the second and third week I dropped not a damn thing, weight or fat...

Am I just stressing about nothing? Right now I just feel like I am wasting my money...160 bucks a month is not cheap...and sometimes I feel like the trainer doesn't really care about me as a person....then I wonder....I had to stop taking my birth control....so i've been without a hormone regulation for two weeks now....and it coincides with my inability to lose weight....and I have severe menstrual issues without the pill....I don't know...I am just sick of being fat and I want to be done already...I don't understand why I am having such a hard time. I work my ass off..

size 12!

I am officially a size 12 in multiple pairs of jeans now. I was stuck in between a 12 and 14 for a while and I was tired of the sag-ass. No more sag-ass for now! LOL.

Material Culture

I forgot my Shuffle in the pocket of my workout hoodie from Saturday and fucking WASHED it. Now, of course, it doesn't work.

Fucking balls. Oh well, I'm just going to get a really cheapo mp3 player for my runs, then. Same shit, cheaper than a Shuffle. The thing that sucks is that my mom got it with her work discount from her old job and she put the inscription "Run Sarah Run" on it. I hate attaching sentimental value to things, but I do it a lot. I have a hoodie from 8th grade that I've held onto even though the zipper is sort of broken (and it fits like it fit in 8th grade now, whoo) and I have kept a Renaissance Faire t-shirt that my father got me when I was eleven. It's been a little hard to part with some items of clothing as I've lost weight and they've gotten too big for me....I still have the dress I wore to my father's funeral/graduation, but I did give up the pants that I bought in Spain. I loved those pants, and even though they were a size 22 I wore them until I was a size 16 even though the fabric gathering at my waist from the belt cinching was ridiculous, LOL.

Giving away clothes is a fairly recent thing for me, as I was the same size for a long time. I started gaining weight in the middle of 8th grade and by the middle of 9th grade I was a size 20 and remained a size 20 until a few months before I went to Spain. I lost some weight accidentally in Spain and then when I got back I gained 50 pounds the last two years of college, mostly due to stress eating and severe depression...and that's when I became a size 24. Actually, I stopped wearing my 22's and wore sweats and knew I was probably more than a 22, and then when I had to get a dress and pants for my father's funeral that's when I became aware of how big I was, compounded with the fact that my family was utterly shocked at how big I had gotten. But anyway...yes, the point is that material things shouldn't be a big deal but they sometimes are, which is a bit sucky.

I get my first paycheck on Thursday. 200 of those dollars goes to Cintia for paying for the trainer for both of us and a haircut for my sister at the same salon I went to (she paid for mine last week and our deal was she would pay for mine and I would pay for hers). The rest will go to a watch my mother has been lusting for and refuses to buy for herself. It feels really good that I can do things like this now!

By the way, I was really excited the other day because I looked in my full length mirror and saw more definition in the backs of my arms and even some definition in my BACK! I can see my scapula now! I have never seen my scapula before! It's almost as exciting as when I started to see my collarbone, which I show off constantly now. ;)

Dumbo

The other day I went to Bagelicious, a deli I go to on the weekend to get bagels for my mother and sister. I happened to be there with my sister and Cintia, and one of the guys behind the counter takes a look at me and starts asking me how much weight I've lost, because he said he was enjoying watching me lose it, which was a little strange but I was flattered I guess so I told him how much I lost and Cintia tells him how much she lost (it was pretty empty in the store).

I never know what people are going to say. This guy...I KNOW he meant well, but he told me, and I quote, "you were a real dumbo."

Ok, I know I was really big and now I'm not so big, but does that really give you license to say that? It really offended me for some reason. I know I shouldn't care, especially because I'm not that size anymore....but...I don't know...I don't think people really understand what it's like to have been that big. People say things all the time--little things--that rub me the wrong way about obese people. I'm still obese, and I'm right there...be a little more sensitive. I feel like people really believe that they have a RIGHT to treat overweight people like crap. I'm sorry, but I am 20X healthier than most of the "skinny" people I know.

179.5!

I checked it on my scale 15 times. It's true!

I have lost 6 pounds this week! I get weighed in with my trainer on Sunday, but he weighs me with my sneakers on, so we'll see what it is.

I was a little depressed in the beginning part of the week. I've been trying on some things, hoping they'd feel a little looser, and to my dismay they felt tighter around my thighs and arms. Then my friend pointed out to me that I've been weight lifting, so duh my clothes would fit tighter in those places. I am down a notch with both my belts, so that makes me happy.

It's kind of surreal, being this weight. I know I still have a long way to go, and I know that the last 50-60 pounds will be very difficult, but I don't think I ever thought I'd e at this number when I started. Hell, I was starting to think that my body didn't want me out of the 180's. I will say, I thought I would look a lot better at this weight than I do, but part of that has to do with the loose skin.

Like most people who have lost a significant amount of weight, everything below the shoulders looks like crap on me (I can pick up my stomach and hold it up near my ribcage), but at least I've got some delts going on! I may save up for surgery to remove excess skin...scary thoughts...we'll see how this all comes together. I'm losing weight nicely with the trainer. Turns out I was eating way too little for what I was doing. Weight Watchers is just not good for people who do vigorous exercise/strength training, and I've been frustrated for months (maybe even a year?) with Weight Watchers and the leaders at my center because they kept telling me I could only eat 4 of my activity points. It's kind of depressing, because I like WW a lot, but I lost the first 70 pounds with WW so I am happy--I got a lot out of it, but now it's time to evolve. Like a pokemon. I suppose I was Sars and now I'm....The Sarsinator. XD

Scale

I saw 181.5-182 on the scale today. Let's hope that sticks and goes down tomorrow. :3

My Daily Eating Plan

My daily eating plan has me consuming a crazy amount of protein. Over 200 grams. And almost 2,100 calories. Today I'm consuming around 1,900 and 200 grams of protein. Lots of chicken, eggs, and yogurt. Hopefully the weight will just fall off now. My trainer told me I wasn't eating enough, and I was only getting 50-60 grams of protein, 80 at the most.

Writing things down really gives me a headache, especially if I have to do calculations, so I better see results. ;)

Momentum

That's the title for Weight Watchers' new program, and it's what I'm building back up now.


I weighed in Saturday at my center at 186 pounds. I've gained three pounds since November, which really isn't that bad considering I haven't been running very often and eating too much. I was maintaining until the end of November hit and with all the end of semester stress and the holidays those three pounds crept back on, but I look at it as a victory because this time last year I had gained ten pounds back, threw my diet out the window for finals, and had to struggle to reel myself back in. How beautiful it is that I have learned how to maintain!

I'm mostly over the flu now, and I went to the gym twice last week despite still being stuffy and achy. I'm glad I went. I got a little familiar with what's there and how to do things, and now the real fun begins. LOL. My friend is going to weight train with me. We do everything weight-loss related together. I love her to death. I don't talk about her a lot because she's not really an Internet-type person, but she's been a wonderful friend and supporter. I was doing this on my own until she started with me and she's lost forty pounds. We run together and now we're doing the gym thing together.

I'm excited about this new year. Things are starting to fall into place for me. I feel like I've matured so much in these past two years, but particularly this past year. It's amazing to me; I'm so proud of myself.

My friend (the same girl I train with) went with me today to fill out an application at a center for the education and caretaking of those with mental limitations. I'm not exactly sure what the correct word for it is, but I know what the wrong words are. I met with a few different people today and I got an immediate interview. It looks like they need people and the woman who hires really liked me, so she said I'd be a good fit at one of their homes. I would have loved to be a substitute at their school for special education children, but I have crazy school hours next semester. If I do get it, and I strongly think I will, it will be really tough next semester. School, gym, eating right, and caretaking. Sounds crazy to me, but I think I can do it if I work hard and don't let myself slip in any one thing. 2009, the year I stop being lazy! LOL.

So, that's what's up with me. I'm meeting with the manager of the house I was fitted with on Thursday and if I'm liked, I'll do paperwork and get my background checked. All that lovely stuff. Wish me luck!

Weigh in: November 1st, 2008

Last week: 186.8
This week: 183.0
Difference: -3.8!

Almost out of the 180's. I can taste the 170's and I want it bad!

I am so excited to watch the marathon tomorrow. We're going to cheer the runners on, my friend, my mother, and I. I can't wait until I can participate!

If you need some motivation to run, rent or buy Spirit of the Marathon. It was amazing.

OMG!

I just did my daily morning weigh-in on my mother's Body Fat scale.

It said 185.8, and it's usually a pound or a bit more off from the weight watchers scale, so I'm at least 184.8! Please please please let it stick! I'm going to go out bike riding by the water today and I'm intending to burn 2,000 calories, but we'll see.

Hmmm..

Today was just one of those days where I was slogging through my run. My legs felt like they weighed a zillion pounds but I did complete the run.

I am hoping to lose weight this week, and so far I think I have. But we'll have to see. I know my waist line has gone down an inch. Even when I was 185.8 it was not 36", so that is really neat. We've been stepping it up in my Pilates class so that may be why my waist is looking smaller. When I suck my stomach in, I can see the barest hint of the start of a 4-pack under all the fat and loose skin, which is pretty exciting. I know I'll never have washboard abs with all the excess skin, but knowing it's under there is all right for now.

I think the reason I haven't been losing weight lately is that I kind of go crazy on the weekend and then restrict over the week. I don't think I ever catch up with restriction and exercise to what I eat over the weekend. Yikes. This weekend I will do another one day fast and then NOT eat any extra points the next day. The 35 extra points will be split up over the week. I have done that before and that is how I got down a pound finally to break the 70 pound mark.

Personally I hate tracking points, but I am miserable right now because the scale is not budging. Something's gotta give. I can't have my cake and eat it too. Not that I eat cake, but, you know...

Empowering myself, one step at a time

I have had a negative image of myself, particularly of my face and body since, well, forever. I was always the fat girl. I was always the girl struggling for recognition, trying to compensate with my personality but never having quite the ability to keep up the fake energy. See enough of me for too long and you start to see the things I can't cover up all the time, like the bitterness and the self loathing and the desperation, loneliness, the enormous jealousy. Fat girls are supposed to have great personalities. Fat girls are supposed to be smart. Fat girls never get the attention - they're always the sidekick, the one who will hold their skinny girlfriend's purse when she's out on the dance floor. No one can see who the fat girl is behind all her fat; all her excess pounds are a barrier she puts up between her and the world so that no one gets close enough. So that no one sees that she is screaming inside, though she pretends to be happy.

For years I have hated every single girl who has ever uttered "Ugh, I'm so fat", because usually, those girls are shapes and sizes I dream of being.

For years I have avoided mirrors. Or stared into every single one and grabbed at all my fat and cursed myself.

For years I have been seriously depressed. Hardly capable of getting out of bed. Afraid of the world around me. Avoided looking into people's eyes because I'm afraid I'll see judgment there.

I have gone on many diets.

I have starved.

I have lost tons of weight. I have gained hundreds of pounds when you add it all up together.

I have cursed the day I was born.

I have eaten until I've thrown up.

I have intentionally thrown up.

I have cried and wondered "will anyone ever love me?"

I have cried and wondered "will I ever love MYSELF?"

Well, today I did a lot of soul searching. I went on a run/walk that ended up being almost three hours long by the water.

The last two months have been really hard for me emotionally. Everyone has their good days and bad days and I am no exception, but for the last two months my days have been mostly bad. Self hate is like a snowball and the thing with losing weight the hard way is that it is extremely difficult, because believe it or not, it is actually much easier to starve. But to get the right balance of nutrition and exercise? That has been a constant struggle for me. I struggle with binging. I struggle with eating too little when I know I shouldn't. I struggle with exercising too much or pushing myself too hard and hurting myself. I struggle with balance in my life anyway.

But the point of this entry is that tonight I looked in the mirror in my bra and panties and I saw things I LIKED. I actually cried because, for once, I wasn't absolutely disgusted with what I saw, and I smiled at myself and I spun because that FELT GOOD. And in the shower I looked down and saw parts of my feet without bending at all. Standing straight as an arrow I saw some toes! It has been a LONG time.

On Sunday I'm going to run NINE miles. Last week I ran EIGHT AND A HALF.

I am excited about my health and future for the first time in forever. There are times when I feel weightless. When I feel like I'm a good person and a likable person, which is huge for me because I have always felt that I have been wrong or bad, dysfunctional in some way.

I have changed so much more than pounds can tell you, though I will always happily announce how much weight I have lost and how many pant sizes I have shed. After all, I am, as cliche as it sounds, a caterpillar trying to turn into a butterfly.

I struggle with feeling feminine. I struggle with saying with any type of assertion that I am pretty. But, I feel I have come a long way, and I can happily say that I know I will get better over time. I will always struggle with depression, but hopefully I can manage it better, and I think I have been doing that.

Anyway, I just wanted to get all of that out. I hope it was insightful for at least one person.

Things to consider

After losing 69.6 pounds, here are some things that have changed:

Bra: 42C/D to 36B/C
Underwear: 9 to 7/8
Shoe size: 10 to 8 1/2 or 9
Tops: 2X men's to M men's, 3X women's to L-XL women's
Jeans: 24W to 12-14
Sweats/PJs: 1X to M

And recently I've decided to increase my goal weight from 110-115 to 132. For now. I may decide to continue losing weight, but 132 puts me into the high-end healthy weight category.

According to this, when I started I had 124.4 pounds to lose (based on my new goal weight), and losing 69.6 pounds of that 124.4 puts me at over 55% done with my journey. That means that I am more than half way there. I'll still wait until I get to 183.2 to make a "Half way there!" video on YT, but still! That is exciting.

Yesterday I thought I was going to die. I'm following the "Run Marathon" training schedule from the book Marathoning for Mortals and I did my first 40 minute speed/form drill session. KILLED ME. My legs felt like jello afterwards. Crazy endorphins. :)