OMG!

I just did my daily morning weigh-in on my mother's Body Fat scale.

It said 185.8, and it's usually a pound or a bit more off from the weight watchers scale, so I'm at least 184.8! Please please please let it stick! I'm going to go out bike riding by the water today and I'm intending to burn 2,000 calories, but we'll see.

Hmmm..

Today was just one of those days where I was slogging through my run. My legs felt like they weighed a zillion pounds but I did complete the run.

I am hoping to lose weight this week, and so far I think I have. But we'll have to see. I know my waist line has gone down an inch. Even when I was 185.8 it was not 36", so that is really neat. We've been stepping it up in my Pilates class so that may be why my waist is looking smaller. When I suck my stomach in, I can see the barest hint of the start of a 4-pack under all the fat and loose skin, which is pretty exciting. I know I'll never have washboard abs with all the excess skin, but knowing it's under there is all right for now.

I think the reason I haven't been losing weight lately is that I kind of go crazy on the weekend and then restrict over the week. I don't think I ever catch up with restriction and exercise to what I eat over the weekend. Yikes. This weekend I will do another one day fast and then NOT eat any extra points the next day. The 35 extra points will be split up over the week. I have done that before and that is how I got down a pound finally to break the 70 pound mark.

Personally I hate tracking points, but I am miserable right now because the scale is not budging. Something's gotta give. I can't have my cake and eat it too. Not that I eat cake, but, you know...

LSD run: 9 miles

I just got back from the Sunday run a little bit ago. All I have to say is that . . . well, I wasn't supposed to run at 8PM at night, and I certainly didn't intend to be running for that long. Ugh. It took so long. Mostly because it was around my house, where we kept having to stop and do the run in place thing while the cars went past.

Anyway, stats:

9 miles
2:28:50
1300 calories
HR AVG 144
Pace: Abysmally bad, but my friend and I were talking the whole time, and boy can we talk. Also, we called the cops on a guy masturbating in the park. LOLOL. Yeah. Running at night is interesting.

Empowering myself, one step at a time

I have had a negative image of myself, particularly of my face and body since, well, forever. I was always the fat girl. I was always the girl struggling for recognition, trying to compensate with my personality but never having quite the ability to keep up the fake energy. See enough of me for too long and you start to see the things I can't cover up all the time, like the bitterness and the self loathing and the desperation, loneliness, the enormous jealousy. Fat girls are supposed to have great personalities. Fat girls are supposed to be smart. Fat girls never get the attention - they're always the sidekick, the one who will hold their skinny girlfriend's purse when she's out on the dance floor. No one can see who the fat girl is behind all her fat; all her excess pounds are a barrier she puts up between her and the world so that no one gets close enough. So that no one sees that she is screaming inside, though she pretends to be happy.

For years I have hated every single girl who has ever uttered "Ugh, I'm so fat", because usually, those girls are shapes and sizes I dream of being.

For years I have avoided mirrors. Or stared into every single one and grabbed at all my fat and cursed myself.

For years I have been seriously depressed. Hardly capable of getting out of bed. Afraid of the world around me. Avoided looking into people's eyes because I'm afraid I'll see judgment there.

I have gone on many diets.

I have starved.

I have lost tons of weight. I have gained hundreds of pounds when you add it all up together.

I have cursed the day I was born.

I have eaten until I've thrown up.

I have intentionally thrown up.

I have cried and wondered "will anyone ever love me?"

I have cried and wondered "will I ever love MYSELF?"

Well, today I did a lot of soul searching. I went on a run/walk that ended up being almost three hours long by the water.

The last two months have been really hard for me emotionally. Everyone has their good days and bad days and I am no exception, but for the last two months my days have been mostly bad. Self hate is like a snowball and the thing with losing weight the hard way is that it is extremely difficult, because believe it or not, it is actually much easier to starve. But to get the right balance of nutrition and exercise? That has been a constant struggle for me. I struggle with binging. I struggle with eating too little when I know I shouldn't. I struggle with exercising too much or pushing myself too hard and hurting myself. I struggle with balance in my life anyway.

But the point of this entry is that tonight I looked in the mirror in my bra and panties and I saw things I LIKED. I actually cried because, for once, I wasn't absolutely disgusted with what I saw, and I smiled at myself and I spun because that FELT GOOD. And in the shower I looked down and saw parts of my feet without bending at all. Standing straight as an arrow I saw some toes! It has been a LONG time.

On Sunday I'm going to run NINE miles. Last week I ran EIGHT AND A HALF.

I am excited about my health and future for the first time in forever. There are times when I feel weightless. When I feel like I'm a good person and a likable person, which is huge for me because I have always felt that I have been wrong or bad, dysfunctional in some way.

I have changed so much more than pounds can tell you, though I will always happily announce how much weight I have lost and how many pant sizes I have shed. After all, I am, as cliche as it sounds, a caterpillar trying to turn into a butterfly.

I struggle with feeling feminine. I struggle with saying with any type of assertion that I am pretty. But, I feel I have come a long way, and I can happily say that I know I will get better over time. I will always struggle with depression, but hopefully I can manage it better, and I think I have been doing that.

Anyway, I just wanted to get all of that out. I hope it was insightful for at least one person.

Long walk

I ran for 35 minutes today and walked for a little over 2 hours, all by the water. I was going to run for a full hour and and walk the rest of the way, but the knee pain was bothering me. :/ I really hope it goes away . . .

Anyway, stats:

2:47:51
AVG HR: 128
Pace: 17:22
Total Distance: 9.66 miles according to Map My Run
Calories Burned: 1176

Weigh-in is tomorrow. I better see a loss!

Fast

Broke my fast an hour ago. Ate dinner. Mac and cheese, two hotdogs with mustard (no buns, thank you), and corn on the cob with ICBNB (think Fabio). Ate a 2" brownie and about three tablespoons of Dublin Mudslide Ben and Jerry's Ice cream. *sigh* I wasn't going to eat until tomorrow morning, but technically it was a full day of fasting since it was 24 hours since I had last eaten. Yes, I counted sleep-fasting. I guess I could have gone on longer, especially considering the fact that both my mother and sister were oblivious to the fact that I hadn't eaten all day. I wish what I broke my fast with was more healthy, but that was what was on the menu for dinner and the ice cream and piece of brownie was probably a consequence of watching them eat an entire box of Entenman's cookies . . . after I had made them both pancakes and eggs. Ugh. It was quite hard to sit back and watch that, let me tell you.

Tomorrow will be better. Technically Saturday and Sunday are my bad days and I did see the 180's again right before dinner. The very end of the 180's, however. I must have really gained 5 pounds. Or the salt is still in there. I don't know, but I hope Monday-Friday of this week sees me getting back down to 187 at least.

I may do a fast from time to time. The next time I do it, however, I will not drink soda at all. I drank a few glasses of it only to realize belatedly that diet soda does have sodium in it. Urgh. Mostly I sucked on ice cubes and drank water and sparkling water. I had a cup of tea in the morning.

Toward the end I was getting a little dizzy when I sat up, but it was a good experience for the most part. It taught me that I have determination and that when I really want to I can call upon it.

LSD Run: 8 miles

Stats:

Okay, so I did 8.5 miles instead of 8 because the first three milesI was running up and down hills but then the back of my knee started acting up, so I went to the track to make it easier on my body. I did the extra half mile to make up for the hills, I guess.

1:41:07 total (that's with stopping to pee at my friend's house, LOL)
962 calories (-_- It was like 50 degrees, I guess that's why I didn't burn many calories)
Average HR: 152
Pace: 11:53 (At mile 4 I looked down at my watch, then when I was done with mile 4 I looked again and I had finished the mile under 10 minutes. It was awesome.)
Temp: A windy, chilly, 50 degrees

Sparkling water and one day fast

I am feeling somewhat better. Grocery shopping helped calm me down.

I have sparkling water! Thank you Shanti for making that video about replacing soda with sparkling water. I didn't think I could switch over to it, but I got a case and I think I'm gonna do a little soda detox. :)

I'm running 8 miles a little later on. I haven't eaten much today, but I will be eating lunch in a little bit and trying to have a regular dinner. Detoxing myself from crap is always very very hard. Tomorrow is a rest day, so I have decided that I will go one step further and only have liquids for that day. Getting on the scale today has me at a 5 pound gain. I am hoping that the 8 mile run and the fast the next day will get rid of what is probably a crazy amount of water weight. One day of fasting, from what I read, is actually good for you.

I'll probably be updating a little later on about how the 8 miles went. Seeya then.

Terrible week

My worth is not defined by my weight.

My worth is not defined by my weight.

My worth is not defined by my weight.

If I keep repeating this, do you think I will stop pinching fat in the mirror and weighing myself eight billion times a day?

LSD Run: 6 miles...or not

I ran 7 miles last week in a HORRIBLE time. This week the running schedule knocked it back a mile. Next week will be a new distance, 8 miles. I'm excited because I'll be running double digits soon!

Today's run:

Well, I was supposed to run 6 miles. I thought I did but according to google I only ran 5.52. That's okay because I walked an extra mile or so with the mom. She walked to my running route with me, which happens to have a dog park around it, so she stayed with my dog there while I ran around. It was cute to see my dog get all confused and chase after me. She must have thought "what a crazy human!" or something. It was still really fun to have her tail me until the end of the dog park where she couldn't follow anymore.

So, stats. All in all I did a little over 7 miles. 5.52 running, the rest walking. Here are the stats for the running part:

5.52 miles
Time: 1:05:02
Average HR: 159
Calories burned: 673
Pace: 11:46

Dude. Dude. Dude! It hasn't even been a month since the Chris Hoban run and I've already improved a LOT! The time I got for the 5 mile run was 1 hour and two minutes. My stats up there means I ran almost a half mile more in the same time it took to run the Hoban run, and it was under similar weather conditions. I was able to leave the house in just a t-shirt and capri sweats.

I am really excited that I could keep a pace under 12 minutes up for that distance. Sweet!

The only bummer of the run was that the backs of my knees started to hurt. After some poking around on forums, it seems that the tendons became inflamed. Seems like Advil will be my friend, LOL.

10/11 Weigh-in

Last week: 186.8
This week: 185.8
Difference: -1!

Total Lost: 70.6!

Never been so happy to lose one freakin' pound, you guys. :)

Things to consider

After losing 69.6 pounds, here are some things that have changed:

Bra: 42C/D to 36B/C
Underwear: 9 to 7/8
Shoe size: 10 to 8 1/2 or 9
Tops: 2X men's to M men's, 3X women's to L-XL women's
Jeans: 24W to 12-14
Sweats/PJs: 1X to M

And recently I've decided to increase my goal weight from 110-115 to 132. For now. I may decide to continue losing weight, but 132 puts me into the high-end healthy weight category.

According to this, when I started I had 124.4 pounds to lose (based on my new goal weight), and losing 69.6 pounds of that 124.4 puts me at over 55% done with my journey. That means that I am more than half way there. I'll still wait until I get to 183.2 to make a "Half way there!" video on YT, but still! That is exciting.

Yesterday I thought I was going to die. I'm following the "Run Marathon" training schedule from the book Marathoning for Mortals and I did my first 40 minute speed/form drill session. KILLED ME. My legs felt like jello afterwards. Crazy endorphins. :)

I Literally Saved My Life

Been having a bad day.

Have been thinking a lot lately. I have been incredibly frustrated with my weight loss recently, but . . . putting things in perspective both helps and opens my eyes up to how bad I truly was when I started my journey.

I knew I had to lose weight when I started, but I don't think I truly comprehended how badly I needed to. Maybe that has been a blessing and a curse.

I started on June 2nd, 2007, just a month after my father died from a heart attack. He was 5'11", was a bit over 350 pounds, and had a BMI of a bit over 50. He was 52 years old, had been an alcoholic for almost ten years, threatened to end his life several times in front of me, my mother, and my sister, and he had many conditions as a result of his obesity - diabetes, sleep apnea, reflux, the works.

When I started my journey, I was 256.4 pounds. I'm not sure if I'm 5'0" or 5'1", but if I'm 5'0" then my starting BMI was 50, exactly. A BMI of 50 classified me as SUPER MORBIDLY OBESE. I'll write that again. SUPER MORBIDLY OBESE. That's right, I was almost as bad as those people you see on TV and shake your head at thinking "how did they let it get to THAT level?"

I'll tell you how - I had no idea I was that bad.

I was just about the same BMI as my father and I didn't think I was anywhere near as bad as he was. Part of it was, I guess, youth. Even at my heaviest weight I did not have diabetes. Sure I had been warned for years and years that I could very well get it any time, but I never developed it.

What I did have were the beginnings of sleep apnea. I had poor sleeping habits. I loved to sleep but it was often very difficult to sleep well. I never felt rested or refreshed. My snoring was an issue with every single college roommate I had. In fact, I drove roommates away with just my snoring.

But I never thought I was as bad as my father. Even when my feet swelled and it was hard to walk, I never thought I was as bad as I was.

If I had known a year ago how bad a shape I was in I don't think I would have gone on this journey. I don't know if I would have tried to go the weight loss surgery route, either. I think I would have just continued to gain weight until I finally got the diabetes I deserved and I think I would have gotten a heart attack and died just like my father.

I may have never reached 300 pounds, but I am short. A person who is 5'0" or 5'1" carrying around 256 pounds is the same as a 5'6" person carrying 300.

I may bemoan the fact that I have ONLY lost 7o pounds, but I lost this weight by myself without surgery when I was so so far into a ditch I had dug for myself.

According to the at-home scale, an 8 year old Tanita Body Fat scale mind you, I am 40% body fat. 40%. That had me crying for an hour thinking "holy crap, I think that's ACCURATE". I NEVER took that as being even REMOTELY accurate. I exercise a lot, I think I have muscles under all this fat, how could I be nearly half made of fat? It didn't seem possible to me. But now that I am accepting that it is true, I'm wondering what my body fat percentage was in the beginning, because I don't remember.

I want to do a test in one of those fancy bod pods at school, but it costs $50 and I am told Tanita scales are pretty accurate, even if this one is 8 years old.

So my point is . . . I was at death's door practically and I have turned myself around. I still have a long way to go, but I REALLY need to give myself credit for what I've done.

As much as I loved (and still love) my father, he gave up on life and died as a result. He died many years before his body finally gave up. I didn't want to be death walking. I didn't want to give up. So here I am, fighting my way out of the grave I dug myself. It seems impossible, but it's a reality.

The cold hard truth is--even though I have lost 70 pounds, I have a long way to go, but you know what? Where I am now compared to where I was really means something.

Well.

According to the November issue of Runner's World, you need to cycle 3.5 miles to get the same "training effect" of running one mile.

Huh. Good to know!

Magic Lungs zomg

8 months ago, I saw people running and talking and thought "Holy crap, it's magic!"

Today I did an easy 45 minutes (it was over 3 miles, but how much over I have no idea) with my running buddy and we had a conversation the whole time. It makes the time go by really quickly!

I'm performing magic! LOL

LSD Run Saturday

My pace today was TERRIBLE, but I did complete 7 miles! Mostly up brutal hillage too. Today was just a really off day. Every step was a struggle and I had been up since 4 AM even though I went out to run at 6:30.

I now have a running schedule and everything. Next week is a 6 miler, which will feel pretty nice after my weak attempt at the 7 miler.

This week I lost a grand total of .2 pounds. That's for two weeks, people. Joy. I now weigh 186.8. Woo hoo. -_-